Can't Sit With Us: The Toxic Traits of Female Friendship and How to Spot Them

Aug 2

Have you ever found yourself in a toxic female friendship and didn't even know it? Often, we are blinded by our desire for companionship and miss the red flags that may indicate that these friendships may not be healthy for us. Today, I’ll dive into some common toxic traits we've all experienced and how to spot them at some point in our lives. Thank you to the vlogger Joules LoWell for her video Types Of Women I Can’t Be Friends With for the inspiration.

Vanishing Vixens: These ladies put their entire world on pause the moment they snag a man

Let me tell you about my friend, whom we'll call Sarah. Sarah was my best friend throughout high school, but the moment she met her first love, she disappeared - for nine years. Yes, you read that correctly. Nine years of no contact, no updates, and no explanations. It was like she had vanished off the face of the Earth.

But when she resurfaced as their relationship ended, I was happy to welcome her back with open arms. Unfortunately, as I entered into a serious relationship of my own, things got a little weird. Sarah assumed that I, too, would disappear when I met my now-husband. But I didn't. I made sure to always make time for my friends, even as my relationship grew more serious.

But this seemed to confuse Sarah, who had become the type of person who put her entire world on pause for a man by this point. She assumed that other women were the same way, which hurt me. I didn't disappear when I met my husband, but Sarah seemed to have disappeared.

Dating can be exciting, but it should never consume your entire life. Unfortunately, some women forget this fundamental truth and let their relationships consume them. We've all known a girl that goes MIA the moment they start dating someone new. Suddenly, they're too busy to hang out, miss your texts, and forget about previously made plans. This disappearing act can be hurtful and leave you feeling alone and forgotten. While everyone has a right to pursue happiness, relationships should never come at the expense of existing friendships.

Drama Queens: Eye roll. They've got relationship issues on repeat!

We all have that one friend who constantly talks about their relationship drama. It's like a broken record on repeat, playing the same old tune. We listen to their latest woes: "he didn't text me back," "she's always nagging me," "we're always fighting." We offer kind and thoughtful advice, but then the next day, they're right back again with the same complaints. It's draining, and it's hard to know how to help sometimes.

But what's even more frustrating is when they have the power to change their situation, but they choose not to. They love to bask in the attention and sympathy they receive from their friends, but they're not willing to take the steps needed to improve their relationship. It's important to remind our friends that we are here for them, but they need to take control of their own lives and make the necessary changes for their own happiness. After all, we can only listen to the same relationship problems for so long before we need a break.

Drama queens live for the constant attention and sympathy that melodramatic monologues receive. They sometimes enjoy playing the victim instead of owning their role in their problems. It's all good for us to lend an ear and offer some friendly advice, but enough is enough.

The Compliment Conundrum: Meet the jokesters who think backhanded compliments are their specialty

We've all experienced this situation. You put on a new outfit or have a new hairstyle, and someone compliments you. But when you look closer, that compliment came with an underlying jab. It's like some women can't help but add an element of negativity to every compliment. These "jokesters" (they are not that funny) like to hide their insults behind sarcasm and disguise their jealousy as humor. It's a sad reflection of their self-esteem, and we should never allow this kind of energy in our lives. Life is too short to be surrounded by people who can't give genuine compliments.

It's like receiving a hug that leaves you with a bruise. Toxic friends always seem to be experts at delivering those kinds of compliments.

Here are some classic examples:

"Wow, that dress looks great on you! It must be because it's hiding all your flaws."

Translation: You have flaws, but at least that dress does an excellent job hiding them.

"Your hair looks so much better now! You look so much younger than you did before."

Translation: You looked old and tired, but now you look much better.

"You're so lucky to have found someone who loves you so much, even with your flaws!"

Translation: You have flaws, and it's impressive that someone can put up with them and still love you.

"You're so brave to wear that outfit in public! Not everyone can pull off such bold fashion choices."

Translation: That outfit is pretty out there, and you're not exactly a supermodel, but good for you to try.

"You look so beautiful today! Have you lost weight recently?"

Translation: You looked less beautiful before, but losing weight is one way to improve your appearance.

If you have a toxic friend who speaks this way, it's time to show them the door. You don't need that kind of energy in your life. Hold out for people who will give you genuine compliments, and leave the backhanded ones behind.

The Perfect Poseurs are flawless, or so they want us to believe!

Ah, the perfect poseurs, we all know them - they stand out in a crowd, looking impeccable from head to toe. Their skin never has a blemish, their makeup never smudges, and their elegant attire never wrinkles. It's as if they've just stepped out of a magazine photoshoot and want everyone to know it.

But let's be honest; nobody can always look that perfect. It's impossible, yet these women seem to maintain the illusion of perfection effortlessly. But here's the thing - that's all it is - an illusion. Behind closed doors, these perfect poseurs have a world of insecurities they're trying to mask.

They never let anyone see their messy homes, the days they lounge around in pajamas, or their vulnerable moments. This unyielding façade they put up can make others feel like they can't be real. Maintaining communication or connection with somebody who's never honest about their struggles is hard.

A true friend will accept you for who you are, flaws and all - they'll even embrace your quirks. It's time we normalize imperfections and celebrate them because nobody is perfect. It's okay to have a bad hair day, to show a bad photo, or even to admit that you're struggling. In fact, instead of feeling ashamed or guilty about our imperfections, we can choose to own and even love them. Being authentic about our flaws makes us more relatable.

The Green-Eyed Gossipers: When it's your time to shine, they can't handle it!

We all have that one friend, or even a group of friends, who we thought would be in our corner through thick and thin, but when it comes to our achievements and successes, they seem to turn into green-eyed monsters. Suddenly, they can't handle that you're doing well, and instead of celebrating your success, they spread negative and untrue rumors about you.

Why do some people find it so difficult to be happy for others? Is it insecurity? Envy? Or are they just plain ol' mean? Whatever the reason, it's important to remember that a friend who can't support you when you're shining bright isn't a real friend.

Think about it, would you want someone in your life who can't be genuinely happy for you when something great happens? Someone who twists the truth and tries to bring you down just because they can't handle your success? Not. A true friend would be happy for you and proud of your accomplishments. They would be the first to congratulate you and share your happiness, not try to diminish your achievements or sabotage your progress.

So, the next time you encounter one of these green-eyed gossipers, don't let their negativity and jealousy bring you down. Remember, you don't need their approval or validation. Keep shining bright and surround yourself with people who love and support you unconditionally. The world is big enough for all of us to succeed, and true friends will always cheer you on.

The Aesthetic Attendants: They expect you to be camera-ready 24/7!

You know the ones I'm talking about - the friends who constantly judge and criticize us for not looking "perfect" all the time. These so-called "aesthetic attendants" put so much pressure on us to look camera-ready 24/7 that we lose sight of who we are.

Don't get me wrong; taking care of ourselves and looking our best is essential. But when our looks become the sole focus of our friendships, things start to go downhill. We start to feel like we're not good enough unless we look like we just stepped off a fashion shoot. We compare ourselves to our friends and even feel jealous when they look better than us.

The truth is toxic friendships based solely on appearance are not sustainable. They leave us feeling drained and empty, always searching for validation through likes and comments on social media.

It's one thing to put effort into your appearance, but it should never be at the expense of your happiness. Life is messy and unpredictable, and that's perfectly okay. A true friend will appreciate you for who you are, with or without perfect makeup or on-trend clothing.

The Instigators: Ready, set, fight!

We all have encountered a friend who seems to relish in the drama and tension of a situation, but for the instigators, creating chaos and feeding off the negativity is second nature. These toxic traits in female friendships can cause harm and have long-lasting effects on relationships.

The problem with instigators is that they often use emotional manipulation to achieve their goals. They play on their friends' insecurities, exaggerate problems, and spread false information to create discord in their circle. And when the dust finally settles, they sit back and savor the sensation of being right. They thrive on the power they have gained by causing a rift among friends and are not afraid to do it again.

But why do some women turn into instigators? Well, there is no one-size-fits-all answer. It could be a combination of personality traits, past experiences, or the need for attention and validation. Acknowledging that instigators often have issues they need to work on is crucial, but it's not an excuse for their toxic behavior.

If you are dealing with an instigator, you must recognize their tactics. Do not let them manipulate your emotions or opinions. Set boundaries and communicate your feelings. If you feel like you can't handle it, it's okay to seek help from a trusted friend or therapist.

In the end, instigators are not worth your time and energy. Female friendships are meant to uplift and support one another, not tear each other down. Life is too short to be surrounded by toxic people, so let's choose positivity and kindness.

Broke Nightlife Divas

Let's talk about something that's not often discussed in female friendships - toxic traits. We all have that one friend who always seems to suggest the most lavish outings but conveniently forgets to bring her wallet. We've all rolled our eyes when she insists on ordering bottle service like a Kardashian, only to find out she can't cover her share of the bill. And don't even get me started on the friend who spends a small fortune on makeup but can't seem to save for anything else.

But let's focus on the broke nightlife diva - the one who only wants to hit up the club before 11 pm because it's free for the ladies. She's always down for a night out but suddenly too broke when planning a girls' trip to Vegas or Paris. Sound familiar? Yes, we all have that friend too.

We get it, life can be tricky sometimes, and money doesn't grow on trees. But constantly putting yourself and your friends in uncomfortable financial situations so that you can live out your party girl fantasy? That's not cool. As much as we love a good night out, we also love being able to pay our rent on time and save for our future goals.

So if you're that friend, it's time to reassess your priorities and have an honest conversation with yourself about your financial habits. And if you're friends with someone who fits this description, it's okay to have a heart-to-heart conversation about their behavior's impact on your friendship. Because at the end of the day, true friendship should be based on mutual respect and understanding, not just flashy outings and Instagram-worthy pics.

The Tantrum Titans

We all get upset occasionally, but some people take things to the extreme. The tantrum titans can be challenging because you never know when something will set them off. Here are some examples:

Have you ever been out with a friend, and they just completely lose their cool over a small mistake? It can be embarrassing and frustrating to witness. Like that time you were at dinner, and the waiter brought the wrong dish, and instead of calmly explaining the situation, your friend started yelling and berating the poor server. Or that time at a party when someone accidentally spilled a drink on your friend, and instead of brushing it off, they created a scene and demanded an apology. And let's not forget that road trip where your friend got lost, and instead of admitting their mistake, they took it out on everyone in the car and refused to speak for the rest of the trip.

Dealing with a friend who has a short fuse can be exhausting. While it's essential to be there for friends during difficult times, it's not fair for someone to constantly create drama and chaos in their wake. If this is a pattern with your friend, it might be time to suggest therapy or counseling to help her better manage her emotions.

The Gossip Girl

Let's be honest; we've all been guilty of gossip at some point. But some people take it to a whole new level. We all know that one person can't seem to keep their mouth shut, even regarding sensitive or confidential information. You confide in them, only to find out later that your secrets have been shared with the entire friend group.

And don't even get me started on the friend who constantly talks behind other people's backs, even if they haven't done anything wrong! It's like they can't help themselves. And then there's the one who always knows the latest scoop or rumor and seems to revel in spreading it. They live off the thrill of being the one with all the juicy details. But let's face it; this behavior is not just harmful and hurtful; it's also incredibly tiresome.

Dealing with someone who can't keep a secret or constantly talks about other people behind their backs can be exhausting. While it's essential to be aware of what's happening in your friend group, it's not fair for someone to constantly spread rumors or gossip about others. If this is a pattern with your friend, it might be time to discuss trust and boundaries.

The Control Freak

Have you ever had a friend who just had to control everything? I'm all for having things my way, but this person takes it to a new level. They have to be in charge of everything, even our friendship! It's like they're the puppet master, and we're the puppets. For instance, we always follow their plans whenever we hang out, and they get upset if anyone suggests something different.

It's like their way is the only way. And don't even get me started on food choices or movies to watch. They have to make all the decisions, and if you have an opinion, good luck trying to express it. They're constantly critiquing how I'm doing things, too, even as simple as folding laundry. It can be so incredibly frustrating. But I know that being a good friend means being patient and supportive.

However, I don't think it's fair for one person to always be in charge. If this sounds like a pattern with your friend, it might be time to discuss trust and mutual respect. Because, let's face it, no one likes being a puppet.

The Debbie Downer

Ladies, we need to talk about toxic traits in our female friendships. We all love and cherish our gal pals, but let's be honest; sometimes, certain behaviors can be downright exhausting. One of these traits is the infamous Debbie Downer.

We all have our off days, but it can take a toll when someone consistently brings negative energy into our lives. It's essential to recognize that Debbie Downer's behavior does not reflect us but rather her issues and insecurities. However, that doesn't mean we have to put up with it.

One way to approach this is through empathy. Perhaps Debbie is going through a tough time and needs someone to listen and support her. But if her negativity consistently brings the mood down, it's perfectly acceptable to set boundaries and kindly communicate how her behavior impacts you and the group dynamic.

It's also worth noting that sometimes toxic behavior can indicate a deeper issue, such as depression or anxiety. In these cases, it's essential to approach the situation with compassion and potentially suggest seeking professional help.

But at the end of the day, if Debbie Downer is consistently draining your energy and making it hard to maintain a positive mindset, it's okay to distance yourself. Surrounding ourselves with people who uplift and inspire us is crucial for our mental health and overall well-being.

So, let's lift each other up and strive to influence each other's lives positively. We all have moments of negativity, but let's work together to find the silver lining and spread good vibes. After all, life is too short to be a Debbie Downer.

Cutting Ties: Why It's Important to Prioritize Your Mental Health and Ditch Toxic Female Friendships For Good

From my experience with toxic friendships, much of it boils down to power dynamics. Toxic women often use techniques that put their needs, wants, and behavior above everyone else’s. This can take many forms, and spotting these friendships in the wild is impossible. But at the end of the day, regardless of how long you've known them or what kind of facade they put on, remember that these women will never be worth your time or energy – don’t let yourself get sucked in! Taking care of yourself is all that matters, and toxic relationships have no place in your life - so stop entertaining them!

Trust me when I say this: You will sleep much better with healthy female friendships by your side.

Natasha Lettner https://www.natashawrites.info/